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Submitted on
January 17, 2012
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I woke up this morning wrapped in my own arms and thought of you
Of a certain weekend spent in love
Sweet glances sent in my direction
Smooth skin caressed and lips full from kissing
Hot breath breathed on ears, necks, breasts, and lower
Falling water, warm, then cold alike.
There is no substitute for waking up wrapped in warmth
Turning over for a kiss and a "goodmorning, love" in the afternoon
And falling asleep again.
I remember songs sung duet and solo
Promises made to tender hearts
Passions brought about in secret…
My head swims thinking of a life
Where I'll never have to worry
Because "we've got our love to pay the bills"
And your kindness
Your dreams
Your empathy
And our love
Make me happier than anything else.
So, darling,
"I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
While you're in the world".
I wrote this a couple minutes ago because I needed to express some feelings about my weekend, and that's what poetry is for, right?

Dedicated to James

For #theWrittenRevolution: [link]

Critiques:
I tried this piece with the long lines (as they are now), as well as splitting the longer ones in half for aesthetic. Do you think it would be more effective to make the lines shorter, or keep them long?
I didn't want to make things overstated, so the imagination can fill in the blanks, but is the imagery too vague?
I tried to use minimalistic punctuation. Is it good, or does it detract?
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:iconbrowser-surfer14:
browser-surfer14 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
nice form of expression! i liked it so much ^^. say, would it be ok if i publish this poem in my school's monthly megazine? it'd be great to have it in.
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:iconandrewpom:
andrewpom Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012  Student Writer
The lines as they are now seem fine to me. When I write poetry I tend to use structure to reiterate a particular thought or image; you seem to have used a similar technique in this piece, such as in the segment:
'And your kindness
Your dreams
Your empathy
And our love'

which uses structure to emphasize particular qualities that you like about your lover. This is definitely something that I like.

The danger with imagery in love poems is that it can become too much and make the whole thing seem 'soppy' and sort of cliché, if you know what I mean. I think the first four-or-so lines show a bit too much sweetness for my tastes, although this is not continued throughout the poem -- which is a good thing. In fact, I think your description is quite classy; the 'blanks' in the description definitely help to tone down the romanticism.

Free verse doesn't have any rhyme pattern to control the flow of the poem, so I would say that punctuation should accommodate for this. The scarcity of punctuation in this piece makes the whole thing read like one giant sentence -- and with no pauses, it's easy to look over the description. In other words, yes I do think it detracts.
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:iconrizzerie:
rizzerie Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I happen to like the long lines over shortening them, but that being said, the long lines would read better with punctuation. If you want to go with minimal punctuation, short lines would be your way to go, I think.

The imagery is nice, with one particular exception that I saw:
"Hot breath breathed on..."
It is possible to omit the 'breathed' here as when someone mentions breath, obviously it involves the act of breathing. This would also open this line up to continue on with a new line describing something that 'hot breath on ears, necks, breasts, and lower' makes you think of or feel, pulling the reader farther into the poem.
All-in-all, not a bad deal.
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:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I prefer the short lines for aesthetic values. It doesn't take anything away from the flow to have the lines short, but it catches the eye off-gaurd when the lines are long, I think.

The imagery is just enough. :) It's passionate without being distasteful. It's powerful, and understated, and very classy. I love it.

I, myself, prefer a loose syntax in my poetry. I see nothing wrong with the punctuation, and it didn't confuse me about how you wanted this read or the meaning behind the words.

I would like to bring up that "warm" and "warmth" are used within a line of each other. I also think "warm" is a bit of an overused word and that it could be replaced with a more unique word. Of course, this is your call. It's pretty neutral the way you used it, but I feel that a different word would work better.
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:iconcar5:
Car5 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I really like this :) I have been wondering for a while how to write about the beautiful things in my life without sounding cliched, and I think you have the right idea :)
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:iconsoldierswolf:
SoldiersWolf Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I rarely see heart warming pieces on this site anymore, good Job
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:iconacaulescentrose:
AcaulescentRose Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! Yes, so much of poetry is depressing these days, sometimes it's nice to write/read something happy.
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:iconsoldierswolf:
SoldiersWolf Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your Welcome.
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:iconallegoriamalata:
AllegoriaMalata Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012  Student Writer
I like the lines at the length that they are, now. The imagery isn't vague, at all. I actually like this so much because it really does capture the essence of waking up next to a lover. So many people attempt this, and it ends up being cheesy, dramatic, or just uninspired. It definitely touched me in a sweet, tender way.

I do, however, wish it were longer. You've done such a good job with this that it really, really makes me want to see more. It's just such a small package to fit in such a huge range of memory and emotion.

Otherwise, all around, great job!
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:iconacaulescentrose:
AcaulescentRose Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback. I was thinking of making it longer, but it was just a quick write one day when I heard the song I quoted at the end and it reminded me of him. :) Thank you!
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